Third Season
by creepyapplelady
Summary: When a planning session gets out of hand, a Death Eater recruitment drive is necessary. What better way than to have a reality show? Will the Order become jealous enough to launch their own?
1. Chapter 1

Now for another incredibly random story from nowhere.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

If I knew Flash, I would make this into a film for you, until then, just pretend. It's better if you could get the song Third Season by AFI to listen to while Voldemort is singing, it makes it more real, and besides, it's a good song.

Chapter One

One day, Voldemort and his supporters were having a meeting when utter chaos broke out.

"Voldy, there are no more Death chips left!" Malfoy said, tipping the empty bag upside down to show that there were no more.

"You stupid moron!" Voldemort said, "I told you to get more when we were at the store, but what did you say? 'nooo, we don't need any more, we've got lots!'" the Dark lord mimicked.

"But that was before Crabbe went and ate them all!"

"Well, the stores are closed now, we'll just have to do without."

"I move that we reschedule the meetings to be within store hours," Bellatrix piped in, "that way, this disaster can be averted for the future. I didn't even get any chips, and they were my favorite. You know Ranch Death chips are my favorite!"

"I know Bella, I know."

"Does this mean the meeting is over? We are Death Eaters after all, how can we resume without death to eat?" Lucious said.

"No!" Voldemort said, "We have not come up with a 'foolproof' and dastardly plan to kill Potter!"

"But we do that every week!" Peter whined.

"What did I tell you about speaking during meetings Wormtail? No, we will sit here until we think of a plan!"

Peter looked ashamed and the rest fell into a deep silence while they thought. After about fifteen minutes, Voldemort spoke.

"Anyone have an idea?"

Everyone shook their heads.

"Damn! I have an idea, we'll go around and you each say the first thing that pops into your head. Maybe then we'll think of something."

"Do we really need to have us say it out loud? I mean, it's not like he couldn't just break into our heads and find out." Lucius muttered to Bellatrix.

"Alright, Bella, you first."

"Potato."

"You're not exactly helping Bella. Rodolphus?"

"Ducks."

"yesss… we'll kill Potter by pelting him with potatoes and then having ducks peck him to death." Voldemort said sarcastically, "Macnair."

"purple." he said apologetically.

"you lot are so useless. Lucius, did it ever occur to you that if you added an s to your name, you could be luscious?"

"In fact it has."

"What have you thought of?"

"That's what I was thinking, my lord."

Voldemort got up from his chair and started to pace.

"Does anyone have anything that will help us!"

There was silence, except for Peter, who seemed to have had an idea and was bobbing up and down in his chair, hand in the air. Voldemort ignored him.

"Well, there is only one thing to be done. We will have to sing!" Voldemort said and flicked his wand. Music filled the room.

_Third Season, AFI_

Voldy: "Can you feel the pulse?

Can you feel the heat rising from below?

Can you feel the energy gaining strength, oh so slowly?

But I'll wait… I'll wait…

Till the seasons change

I'll wait…

I'll wait…

Till the fall comes."

The other Death Eaters, at this time, started to dance and sing backup. They formed a line and sang along, kicking in time to the beat.

Death Eaters: "hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"

Voldy: "whooaaah! And I say, I'll give you nothing but a mirthless laugh. Whooaaaaah!

Can you see the signs?

Can you see the changing of the winds?

Can you sense the stillness in the air?

Calm will remain…oh so shortly.

But I'll wait…

I'll wait

Till the seasons change

I'll wait

I'll wait

Till the fall comes…"

Death Eaters: "hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"

Voldy: "whoooaaah! And I say, I'll give you nothing but a mirthless laugh. Whooooaaaaah! And I said, it's gonna take you by

Gonna take you by

Gonna take you by surprise as it rises!

Gonna take you by

Gonna take you by

Gonna take you by surprise as it rises."

Death Eaters: "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"

Voldy: "whooooahhh and I said, I'll give you nothing but a mirthless laugh

Whoooooahh."

Voldemort started to get carried away, spinning around with his wand out, not noticing that he was continuously killing his followers as he spun.

Voldy: "whoooah, whoooah, gonna take you by surprise whoooah, whoooah, whoooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhooo!"

The song ended, and Voldemort was alone in the room, Death Eaters scattered about the floor, all of them dead.

"This always happens! Now I will have to find some new minions!" Voldemort whined and walked off.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile, The Order was gathered around the television, trying to decide what to watch. Finally, Dumbledore decided on a channel.

_American Idol Music_

Ryan Seacrest appeared in front of TV cameras, looking nervous.

"Hello, and welcome to the first season of Death Eater Idol, I'm your host Ryan Seacrest. Now you may ask yourself, 'what is this all about?' Well, Voldemort accidentally killed all his cronies, so now he is holding a talent search to find some more. As you can see behind me, tens of people have lined up to be the next Death Eater Idol, but before they can be accepted, they must pass a personal interview with the man himself, Tom Riddle. Let's watch."

Voldemort came up next to Ryan. "DON'T CALL ME TOM! AVADA KEDAVRA!" he yelled, and killed Ryan.

"Ugh, change the channel!" Remus said, "I can't stand these 'reality' shows."

"But I want to see what happens! I'm the head of the Order, and I say what we watch." Dumbledore said stubbornly, turning up the volume.

-0-0-0-0-0-

David Suzuki walked into the interview room and stood on the Dark Mark painted on the floor.

"Who are you?" Voldemort asked.

"David Suzuki"

"And what do you do?"

"I'm an environmentalist with my own TV show, "The Nature of Things with David Suzuki" on the CBC."

"Uh, that doesn't sound very evil."

"But it is, I bore people to death every single week. And," David lowered his voice and looks around to see that no one is watching, "I eat babies!"

"You're on to the next round, but there will be no baby eating."

"Fine!"

Voldemort held out a green ticket, which David took and walked out. A few more contestants came through, all of whom are rejected. Snape comes in.

"Dammit Severus, would you just pick a side already!" Voldemort said

"I have, I want to be a Death Eater again."

"That's what you said last time,"

"I know, but this time I mean it, Dumbledore ate all my cockroach cluster. That was the last straw."

"Alright, you get one more chance, but only because you're the only one who eats cockroach cluster and since you left, they've been piling up from all those variety bags we buy."

Snape walked out with his ticket. Harry Potter came in a few minutes later.

"Potter, what the hell are you doing here?"

"I want to be a Death Eater!"

Voldemort heaved an exasperated sigh, "Harry, we're trying to kill you, you can't be a Death Eater."

"Oh right, I, uh, forgot. I'll just be leaving then." Harry backed away and out the door. A moment later, he popped his head back in.

"So this means I'm not on to the next round?"

Voldemort sent a curse at Harry. Harry left.

After a few more nameless nobodies, Oprah came in. Voldemort gave a little shriek.

"Oh my god, Oprah, I'm your biggest fan!" Voldemort gushed, "I'm where I am today because of you."

Voldemort hugs Oprah. "You're in!"

_commercial break_

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

"Looks like you were a bit off, Professor." Harry said to Dumbledore.

"Here I was thinking Voldemort is the way he is because of his troubled childhood, lust for power and destroyed soul. Meh." Dumbledore said.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

_end commercial break_

In walked a man decked out with a white, glittering jumpsuit and large, gold sunglasses.

"And you are?" Voldemort asked.

"Why, I'm Elvis." the man replied.

"But Elvis is dead. And a Muggle. You don't qualify, goodbye."

"What do you mean 'goodbye'?"

"I mean, you lose, go home!"

"Oh yeah well, censored your censored censored censored!" the Elvis said, making obscene hand gestures.

"You swear like a trucker, I like that!" Voldemort said.

"Really?" the Elvis said coyly.

"Yeah, I've changed my mind, you're in"

"Well maybe I don't want to be in your censored show!" the Elvis screamed and stomped out. Voldemort sent a curse after him.

Then a very large thing entered wearing black robes and a mask.

"Who or what are you?"

"My name is, um, Arney." the black-clad stranger said, obviously trying to disguise his voice.

"Take off your mask!" Voldemort demanded.

Slowly, the stranger removed his mask to reveal that he was a large, purple dinosaur. Voldemort was rendered speechless.

"My name is Barney."

"Can you do magic?"

"Yes."

"Can you be vicious?"

Barney muttered something.

"What?" Voldemort said.

"No."

"Then you can't be a Death Eater."

Barney wiggled in an agitated sort of way. Then he used his magic to put a fireman costume on Voldemort.

"Take that!" he said angrily and stomped off, bowling Arnold Schwarzenegger over.

"I'm Ahnold, feah me!" Arnold said, standing on the Dark Mark.

"So, tell me about yourself Ahnold."

"I'm da govnah of Caulifornia, you girly man."

"Uh, that's nice. So, what are your views on Mudbloods and Muggles?"

"I think they should all be terminated!"

"Very good, very good. Which is your favorite curse and why?"

"I like da Imperius Curse. How else do you think I got to be govnah?"

"You're in!"

_commercial break_

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"so who d'you want to win? The swearing Elvis or that environmentalist?" Dumbledore asked Remus.

"I don't care, this show is stupid." Remus retorted, crossing his arms.

"I wish the purple dinosaur had gotten through" Moody cut in.

"Has it occurred to anyone that maybe we should be putting a stop to this. You know, seeing as we ARE the Anti-Voldemort group. We should be stopping him from gathering minions."

"Shut up Remus, the commercials are over."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

_end commercial break_

"That's the end of the show for this week." Ben Mulroney said. With Ryan Seacrest gone, they'd had to resort to the talentless host of Canadian Idol. "Make sure you watch next week when our finalists go to the secret Death Eater hideout for the second round of auditions."

_end music plays and credits roll_

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"It's over! I thought it was supposed to be on for an hour!" Dumbledore whined.

"If you'd bothered to look at the schedule, you'd know that 'Pimp My Broomstick' is on next." Kingsley Shacklebolt said, "Followed by 'Survivor-Magic-Free Edition' and 'Desperate House Elves'"

"Ooh, I was hoping 'Desperate House Elves' would be on tonight."

"Are we not going to do some, you know, evil stopping?" Harry asked, taking up the TV schedule.

"Finally, someone who isn't addicted to TV." Remus said, relieved.

"No wait, CSI Hogsmead is on at ten, can't miss that."

Remus groaned.


	2. Chapter 2

I can't believe I'm doing another chapter, but I can't study for math until I finish this…

Disclaimer: I still don't own much, let alone these characters. Do I look that creative to you? Unless stated otherwise, the songs used in this chapter belong to Harry and The Potters. It's a real band!

Maybe I should list the finalists for the Death Eater Idol so we don't get confused… let's see there's David Suzuki, Snape, swearing Elvis, Oprah, Arnold and a robot named Gibson. There you go.

**Chapter Two**

"So what are we going to do about this?" Remus demanded at the next Order meeting.

"About what?" Dumbledore replied politely.

"_About what? _ How about Voldemort's new and catchy way of recruiting allies? How are we going to stop him?"

"I don't see why we need to do anything; it's just a harmless talent search." Snape said.

"Of course, you would say that, since you're in position to win." Moody snapped.

"I'm not! I'll never win while that Oprah is around. You should hear Voldemort," Snape whined and then mimicked, "'_oh Oprah, you're my hero. I love you so much, let me get you a coffee, let me lick your boots. Oprah, Oprah, Oprah._' I'm so sick of it. Why do you think I turned spy again?"

Just then Dumbledore cut in, "Shut up everyone, I've had an idea."

Everyone fell silent and turned to look at their leader.

"What do the Muggles do when there's a big problem?" Dumbledore questioned. No one answered for a moment.

"Call the police" Harry said.

"NO! They hold a benefit concert."

"Uh, no they don't."

"Yes they do! I've seen. There's a hurricane, there's a concert. Someone blows something up, there's a concert. People get sick; guess what, there's a concert. It happens all the time."

"So you think we should hold a concert?" Remus said, not believing what he was hearing.

"Yes! We'll get some celebrities and sing some songs and then Voldemort will be no more!"

"Oh how stupid we have been," Remus quipped, "if only we'd thought of this years ago then the world would be rid of Voldemort."

"Exactly"

"I was being sarcastic."

"Why are you so bitter Remus?"

"Why aren't you more bitter?"

"When you two are finished, we have a concert to plan." Moody interjected.

"Ah yes," Dumbledore said, smoothing his beard, "we must not forget the task at hand."

* * *

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((0)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

"Alright, who've we got so far?" Dumbledore asked Mr. Weasley, who was in charge of recruiting entertainment.

"Uh, well, we've got Dumbledore's Army, the remaining members, that is. And then there's Stubby Boardman. He was quite willing to help after that whole thing in the Quibbler about him being Sirius Black and I explained that Sirius was innocent and he agreed. The Hogwarts house elves are putting something together and of course we'll be doing something…"

"What do you mean 'we'?" Remus shot. "I'm not performing in your stupid little concert."

"But everyone in the Order is doing something."

"Not me!"

"Fine, we'll take you off the list. And that's about it for music," Arthur continued, "Hagrid said he'd like to do something, he didn't really say, but it has something to do with an animal of some sort. Then the Order Spies said they'd put something together, Fred and George are putting on some sort of entertainment and I got a maybe from Ludo Bagman, though I don't really know what he's planning. And I told a couple of kids I caught rigging a toilet to regurgitate that I would let them off if they did something, so they'll probably put on a bit of an act."

"Good, good,"

"Then there was that Muggle teenager I met at a bus stop who asked me where I got my 'sweet dope' when I asked him to help, so I think that might mean he will."

"Ah, this will be one fantastic concert, I can feel it."

Remus groaned.

* * *

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((0)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Later that week, in the Death Eater Idol mansion, the idol hopefuls were lounging around, watching TV.

"Elvis, I was watching dat!" Arnold screamed as the swearing Elvis changed the channel.

"Shut up you censoredcensoredcensored there's a benefit concert on this channel that me and the others really want to watch."

Arnold crossed his arms and sulked. "Fine"

* * *

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((0))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Meanwhile, backstage in the hall that the Order had rented, there was utter chaos. It was only a few minutes to show time and no one seemed to be ready.

"Where's the host!" Sirius screamed. He had been made stage manager since he couldn't go on camera, but still wanted to help.

"Host, host…" Mr. Weasley flipped through his lists. He had booked a host, he knew it. "Oh," he said finally, "we, uh, don't have one."

Dumbledore began to swear, screaming words that would make a trucker pirate blush. "Arthur, why are you so stupid! Who will we get to do it?"

The hall went silent. All eyes were on Remus.

"Oh no! NO, NO, NO, NO! I'm not being part of your stupid little show."

"Come on Moony, we need you!" Sirius pleaded.

"Not happening!"

"Yes, happening!" Snape said and shoved Remus through the curtains and onto the stage as the cameras came on.

* * *

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((0))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

"Oooh it's starting!" Elvis squealed and everyone in the room quieted.

* * *

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((0)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Remus was still trying to get back behind the curtain when Dumbledore came over.

"Remus, I wish you wouldn't make me do this. Imperio!"

The werewolf's eyes glazed over and he turned around to look at the camera again. "Welcome to the stopping Voldemort in his Tracks with Music Benefit Concert." He said mechanically.

"We should have gotten a better name." Sirius whispered.

"Shut up"

"There is nothing like the magic of music to solve the darkest problems." Remus continued, but the Imperius curse was starting to wear off on him, "what am I saying?"

But before he could do any more damage, Sirius grabbed him from behind the curtain and dragged him off the stage. Dumbledore, Harry and Snape trooped on stage with a house elf bearing a guitar. The elf started playing and the three wizards plunged into their opening song.

Dumbledore: "We're rocking at Hogwarts…"

Snape and Harry: "oooohh"

Dumbledore: "Rocking the room of requirement

We're rocking at Hogwarts"

Snape and Harry: "oooooo"

Dumbledore: "And there's no one that can stop the wizard"

The small studio audience went wild and the performers bowed before exiting. Remus was thrust back on stage.

"That song was so stupid! It doesn't make sense and we're not even at Hogwarts!"

"Just tell them Stan is on next and get off the stage!" Sirius replied.

"Next is Stan Shunpike." Remus said grudgingly and hurried away.

Alone on the stage, Stan began to sing, bobbing up and down out of synch with the music.

"Oh the bus don't go to Hogwarts,

You gotsta take the train

The bus don't go to Hogwarts

You gotsta take the train

And we'll take the train

From platform 9 ¾

And we'll take the train

From platform 9 ¾

Cuz the bus don't go to Hogwarts

You gotsta take the train

The bus don't go to Hogwarts

You gotsta take the train

And we'll take the train

From platform 9 ¾

And we'll take the train

From platform 9 ¾

Ooh yeah."

After some rather unenthusiastic applause, Stan clomped off the stage. This time Remus didn't make it out from behind the curtains.

"The train doesn't go to Hogwarts either!" he was yelling "It goes to Hogsmeade just like the bus! Who's coming up with this crap?"

"I think it's time for a commercial break." Moody muttered to Sirius.

"I think so too."

* * *

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((0))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

"Do we have to watch this; my show is coming on now." David asked.

"Yes we have to watch this. No one wants to watch your show, it's boring." Oprah snapped.

"I. Find. It. Enter-taining." Gibson the robot cut in.

"Do we need to dismantle you again?" Elvis threatened the robot.

"What. Are. You . Doing. With. That. Screwdriver. Dave?" Gibson asked.

"I'm putting new batteries in the remote control…" David said, sticking the screwdriver into the remote and popping off the battery cover.

"Shhhhhh! It's back on!"

* * *

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((0))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

"Remus just read what's on the cards. Okay?" Dumbledore said, starting to get frustrated with their reluctant host.

"Fine." Remus gave in, snatching the cards and trooping back onstage. "Next we have Hagrid and the 'superdragons'. What? What are 'superdragons'?"

"Just let him get on with it." Snape hissed and Remus left the stage once more.

Hagrid, in his best suit, had three small dragons on leashes with him.

"Hullo," he said, trying his best not to sound nervous, "I, uh, got us 'ere some dragons, an' now they're gonna do some tricks. Righ'"

He let the dragons off their leases one by one and they waited patiently at the foot of the stage while Hagrid set out the obstacle course for them.

"Come on Nellie," Hagrid called and one of the dragons trotted over and sat down at Hagrid's foot just like a well-trained dog. Hagrid began to walk and the dragon went too, over the hurdles, through the hoop and wove between the pegs. After that, it went through a large tunnel and jumped over a rather high wall. Then the other dragons followed, each trying to outdo each other. Soon, the dragons grew angry at each other and started breathing fire in all directions.

"Stop! Stop!" Hagrid yelled as the dragons began to fight each other. A couple of wizards from the audience leapt forward and helped Hagrid subdue the dragons. Once the dragons were calmed down, they left the stage.

"Tha' wasn't very good was it?" Hagrid asked.

"No, no, it was great!"

"Dumbledore's army is up next!" Sirius called and Harry, Ron, Hermione, Luna, Ginny and Neville came together at the edge of the curtain.

"That's it? I thought there were more of you." Mr. Weasley said.

"No, everyone else quit."

"Most pathetic army I've ever seen." Snape commented.

"You're just jealous because you don't have an army." Dumbledore retorted.

"Am not! Especially if said army consists of two somewhat incompetent Weasleys, a know-it-all, a space cadet, a kid who could cause a catastrophe by picking his nose and a kid with a scar."

"Be that as it may, they're on next."

"And we don't need to be introduced." Harry added, to which Remus sighed.

"Arrogant little-,"

But before Snape could finish, the music had started and the members of the DA were on stage.

"Ready?"

(All together)

"My teacher is a werewolf

He's liable to bite someone in class

That would be so bad-,"

"What are you doing?" Remus yelled, storming on stage, then realizing what he was doing, "uh, not that I'm a werewolf or anything… they're talking about some other teacher I think. Snape perhaps…"

"That wasn't what we were supposed to sing." Ginny said, "Someone gave the tech guy the wrong music."

All eyes were on Neville.

"Sorry" he said.

"Like I was saying, by picking his nose…" Snape commented from backstage.

"We're just going to start over."

New music started and the small group began to sing again:

"Well I got these kids together

And it's gonna be so great

We're going down to Hogsmeade

To plan to educate ourselves

Let's stick it Deloris

We'll do it for ourselves

I don't care what the ministry tells us

We won't be left defenceless

I don't care what the ministry tells us

We won't be left defenceless

I don't care what the ministry tells us

We won't be left defenceless

We're in command

We're taking a stand

We're gonna learn this year

We're gonna get ready

We've got to prepare

To face our biggest fears

We're gonna learn to fight, to battle

We'll stand up for what is right

And when we face down those death eaters

We'll stand up and we'll say

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's army

Now take out your wand s and tell us

That we're not serious

We've got our acts together

And we're ready for the worst

Now Voldemort is back

And we better face the facts

If you're not going to teach us to fight

Then the future won't be very bright

I don't care what the ministry tells us

I don't care what Umbridge says

I don't care what the ministry tells us

I don't care what Umbridge says

I don't care what the ministry tells us

I don't care what Umbridge says

I don't care what the ministry tells us

I don't care what Umbridge says

Cuz we won't be left defenceless

We're in command

We're taking a stand

We're gonna learn this year

We're gonna get ready

We've got to prepare

To face our biggest fears

We're gonna learn to fight, to battle

We'll stand up for what is right

And when we face down those death eaters

We'll stand up and we'll say

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's

We're Dumbledore's

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's

We're Dumbledore's

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's army"

The crowd cheered and the kids left the stage."

"It's time for another word from our sponsors." Sirius said.

* * *

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((0)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

"What are you lot watching?" Voldemort asked, sitting down on the couch with his future minions.

"Benefit concert" Oprah said.

"Oooh, I love those," the Dark Lord squealed, "what's this one for?"

"The Order of the Phoenix, though we're not entirely sure why."

"What! They can't do that! If this goes on any longer people will be on their side and we'll lose all our viewership."

"It. Is. Starting. Again" Gibson cut him off mechanically.

* * *

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((0))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

"Uh, guys, we just got a call from the Legion; they want us out of here in twenty minutes so they can start their bingo" Mr. Weasley called.

"What? They said we could have it for the night!" Dumbledore whined. Arthur just shrugged.

"We'll wrap it up now then," Sirius said and called for everyone to gather for the finale. Remus went out ahead of them, thankful it would be over.

"I am very, very happy to say that this nightmare will be over after this last song, feel free to leave early."

The music started and the group of wizards began to sing, not allowing Remus to leave the stage.

"We may have lost Sirius black

But we're not turning back

We will fight until we have won

And Voldemort is gone

And I'm gonna do whatever it takes

I don't care about what ever fate that prophecy says

No I'm not afraid

No I'm not afraid

Because

There's one thing that I've got

One thing that you've got inside you too

One thing that we've got

And the one thing we've got is enough,

To save us all

Well we taught ourselves to fight

And now we know neither can live while the other survives

And I know that that means me

But I'm glad we've got our army

And we're gonna take down the dark lord's crew

The death eaters will all be running from me and you

And you and you and you and you and you and you and

There's one thing that I've got

One thing that you've got inside you too

One thing that we've got

And the one thing we've got is enough

To save us all

The weapon we have is love

The weapon we have is love

The weapon we have is love

The weapon we have is love

The weapon we have is love

The weapon we have is love

The weapon we have is love

The weapon we have is love

Loooooove

The weapon we have is love

Loooooooooooooveeee

The weapon we have is love

Looooooovvvvvve

The weapon we have is love"

The music ended, and the studio audience began to applaud. Then Voldemort came crashing through the doors.

"Aha! Now I know what your weapon is!"

"It's not exactly a secret." Harry said.

"But now I know, fear me!"

Harry and the others just shrugged and began to clean up the hall for the Legionnaires. Most of the audience had already apparated away and they worked quickly to stack the chairs.

Voldemort, however, did not like to be ignored in such a way.

"Now I will kill you all!"

No one paid him any attention. Voldemort blasted a window with his wand.

"If you're done being dramatic Tom, you can help us stack these chairs." Dumbledore said calmly.

"That's it; we're settling this hobo style." Voldemort said.

"What?" Dumbledore replied, putting down his chair.

"Hobo style"

"But what does that mean?"

"I don't really know." The Dark Lord conceded.

"You are soooooo senile!" Dumbledore said, "Prepare to be pooned!"

"Pooned? As in spelled pwnd?"

"Yeah, you're going to be so pooned Tom."

"It's pronounced p'owned, and don't call me Tom."

"Pooned!"

"p'owned"

"But pooning noobs sounds better." Dumbledore explained.

"It's p'own"

"No, pooned, as in 'harpooned'" Dumbledore was starting to lose patience.

"Whatever, prepare to dance!"

"Dance? Why I didn't know you knew how to dance Tom"

"Well I didn't know that you didn't know that I know how to dance."

Dumbledore was about to respond when Neville felt a twitch in his nose. It was itchy. He had to do something, so he reached up and-

"No Neville, don't!" Snape screamed, "I'm too scary to die!"

But it was too late; Neville had inserted his finger into his nose. There was a loud bang and the auditorium was filled with screaming and thick black smoke.

Everyone was dead.

Half an hour later, the people from the Legion showed up, and they were not impressed by what they saw. Chairs were strewn everywhere mixed in with camera equipment and pieces of what had been the stage. All this was covered by thick, black soot from the explosion and one of the windows had been blasted to shards.

"We are never renting to those Order people again, got it?" the caretaker said, "now we will have to cancel bingo to clear up this mess."

"Five pounds says they don't even pay their bill. Let's leave this mess until tomorrow, that Eater Idol is on in fifteen minutes." The other janitor replied.

"That show is so weird."

"That's why I want to see it. Five pounds says that swearing Elvis guy wins."

"You need five pounds don't you?"


End file.
